January 20, 2006, 10:22 am

Hey folks,

I’ve been feeling really weak the last two days. Don’t know what’s up. I guess still part of chemo. Not enjoying this AT ALL!!!!

Last night I was feeling like this is just too much. I want to give up. I know you don’t want to hear this but its part of what I go through especially when I’m feeling weak physically. At times like that the load just seems too, too heavy to bear and it feels easier to just curl up and die. Literally.

Last night I told the Lord exactly how I felt but had to finally say if this is where He wants me to be, if I am in the centre of His will going through this, then I’ll go on but He has to give me the grace to bear it. I do realize I have nothing in me that can keep me going even if I’m doing what He wants me to do. It all has to come from Him. I have no choice but to totally rely on Him. But it’s a tough, tough thing to have to endure. I do not … ok, let me put it how I feel…I HATE being sick and I especially LOATH this sickness.

I’m worried that if I don’t regain my strength then it will take longer to recover from the stitching…oh, I haven’t gotten to that part of the story, have I?

Well, we (the entire family) had a fabulous 5 days at the coast. I was especially happy to be there coz in September I didn’t think I’d last this long so for me it was a special blessing. The kids absolutely loved it and spent practically the whole day frolicking in the swimming pools. Even our newest baby, Tim, enjoyed being in the pool. After pestering my surgeon, he allowed me to swim during the last two days (the joys of having cell phones!) then when we got back, three days after we arrived, I had my chemo. This was on 27th. It went fine. I had it through a drip and for the next two days felt pretty good. Then on the 3rd day I started sinking and by 2nd of January, I managed to land in hospital with excruciating pain all through my body…plus constipation. Horribly horrible!

We went through all kinds of things and eventually they decided to admit me coz they couldn’t control the pain. They took a blood sample, and booked me in a ward, nice bed, away from the door, next to a window. I settled in to sleep (this was after being given pethedine which relieved me instantly of the pain and made me feel like I was floating on a cloud….mmmhhh, haven’t felt that good in ages!). Soon after, I hear someone “Doris wake up”. I open my eyes to find two nurses peering at me. I’m expecting them to say you have….some serious illness or the cancer has spread all over or something. They says they have to move me to a room by myself. Apparently, it turned out that my white blood cell count was 0.2 so my immunity was basically nil so they had to move me out so I don’t get any infection. From then on, anyone who came near me had to done a mask plus my visitors were restricted. PLUS I was not allowed to leave the room for ANYTHING. Mark you, it was not self contained – as in no loo and bath so everything had to be done in the room, i.e., bed pans, etc. Not good – quite embarrassing, humiliating, etc, etc, etc!

This went on for two days during which time I was being given the stomach jabs to increase my cells, and being given pain pills to remove the skeletal pain caused by the stomach jabs and other meds to keep my blood pressure steady coz it was jumping all over the place, and keep my temperature steady too coz it was also jumping all over. It was a scary time for everyone involved, including the doctors, but God heard your prayers (and I actually felt them) and I pulled through and the masks were taken off and I eventually left hospital on the 5th day.

During this time, my wound (not the armpit) had opened so I was having it dressed and cleaned every day. I still get that done every morning. Its doing well and will be closed on Tuesday. Why did it open? Chemo. That thing really did me in. The doctor said he will reduce the next one by 25% but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

Dee