November 29, 2005, 5:59 am

Hi guys,

As you could tell, I wasn't too happy last time I wrote. Thank you for praying for me and for the encouragement you've sent. God is still on the throne and still wants us to continue praising Him and remembering this whole event is about Him.

Since Saturday I've been kinda worried because I noticed a funny mark near where the scar is that looks like a symptom of inflammatory breast cancer which means its a very aggressive form of cancer and recovery rates are not fantastic. I called my doc who said he had noticed it but doesn't think thats it since it was not mentioned in the pathology report he received. Plus its in just a small area so it can't be. I felt a little bit reassured but that just increased my anxiety to see the full report. I kept thinking Thursday is so, soooooooooooooooooo far away (that's the date of my next appointment - unless he hears before then in which case he will call me). Anyway, I tried calling my other doctor but couldn't get through to him. So basically I spent the entire weekend plus yesterday worrying about it, and searching through the internet on what else I can learn about it.Then

last night, Tina and I were talking about it and had decided I call my doctor and tell him though I may be worrying about nothing, I do need to see him just for reassurance. Then she said, "you should get your reassurance from God." Then she added, "Why don't you just talk to your Father about it?" Duh, why didn't I think of that!

So we agreed I would do that and see what He says before I make any decisions.So when I went to my room, I was reading my portion for the day and guess what it was? Psalm 143! I have to write it for you...in case some of you can't find your Bibles....

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in Your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief (you can imagine at this point I was thinking this was written for me). Do not bring Your servant into judgement, for no-one living is righteous before You (we are agreed on that, right? I know I'm nowhere near righteous and if it wasn't for Him, my life would be a total, hopeless mess).

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. (Yaani, its like I wrote it. All these depressing thoughts about the possibility of the cancer having spread had made me feel exactly that!)

I remember the days of long ago (my pre-cancer days....); I meditate on all Your works and consider what Your hands have done. I spread out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land (I tell you!!!!!).

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide Your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit (I was already feeling myself heading that way). Let the morning (now this is what made me REALLY sit up) bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you (my Bible is scribbled with "Yes!" and "Amen" all over!) Show me the way I should go (of course that is underlined) for to You I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies (my depressing thoughts), O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; (there is a huge "yes" next to that verse) in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies (depression, etc); destroy all my foes (cancer cells), for I am your servant. (AMEN!!!!!)

And on that note, I slept peacefully knowing that by morning, I would get an answer.

Then this morning I woke up wondering how He would answer, who He would send to tell me what, maybe the doctor would call or something.... A few minutes later, as I was talking with Him as I carried out my morning ablutions, He said, "you know I have given you immense power to carry out mighty things in My name. You could lay hands on that cancer and it goes." I was like, "eh....yeah...but I don't know if I have the right kind of faith...." But I prayed anyway and laid hands on myself. I mean, what if I call the others and it doesn't go??? (Totally reminds me of our study on Moses this weekend...(what if I tell them....and they don't believe me?) Then He said, "and so what if it is inflammatory cancer? I CAN heal that, you know" I have no idea why I never looked at it that way. I mean, so what if my whole body is ravaged by cancer. He can heal me. Totally. No sickness is beyond His power. None. It can be a little thing and never go away or a humongous thing and go completely with the first prayer. Its all up to Him and COMPLETELY in His power. Nothing is too big for Him.

That was humbling. And exhilarating!

So now all I can say is, He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge (Psalm 144:2)

I need not worry that its been 8 weeks (can you imagine!) since I had my last chemo or that it may be two more days before I hear from the doctor. Whatever stage its gone to, God is still in control. God...not me, not the doctors...God!!!!

So, "be not dismayed whate'er betide. God will take care of you." (know that song?) Just relax in Him. Only thing is you've got to be IN Him to get that protection. If you are outside of Him, you are on your own. I pray we are all where we ought to be.

Take care and thanks for caring.
Dee

P/s Just in case, let me hasten to clarify that whatever is in brackets is me, not from the Bible!