January 20, 2006, 10:22 am

Hey folks,

I’ve been feeling really weak the last two days. Don’t know what’s up. I guess still part of chemo. Not enjoying this AT ALL!!!!

Last night I was feeling like this is just too much. I want to give up. I know you don’t want to hear this but its part of what I go through especially when I’m feeling weak physically. At times like that the load just seems too, too heavy to bear and it feels easier to just curl up and die. Literally.

Last night I told the Lord exactly how I felt but had to finally say if this is where He wants me to be, if I am in the centre of His will going through this, then I’ll go on but He has to give me the grace to bear it. I do realize I have nothing in me that can keep me going even if I’m doing what He wants me to do. It all has to come from Him. I have no choice but to totally rely on Him. But it’s a tough, tough thing to have to endure. I do not … ok, let me put it how I feel…I HATE being sick and I especially LOATH this sickness.

I’m worried that if I don’t regain my strength then it will take longer to recover from the stitching…oh, I haven’t gotten to that part of the story, have I?

Well, we (the entire family) had a fabulous 5 days at the coast. I was especially happy to be there coz in September I didn’t think I’d last this long so for me it was a special blessing. The kids absolutely loved it and spent practically the whole day frolicking in the swimming pools. Even our newest baby, Tim, enjoyed being in the pool. After pestering my surgeon, he allowed me to swim during the last two days (the joys of having cell phones!) then when we got back, three days after we arrived, I had my chemo. This was on 27th. It went fine. I had it through a drip and for the next two days felt pretty good. Then on the 3rd day I started sinking and by 2nd of January, I managed to land in hospital with excruciating pain all through my body…plus constipation. Horribly horrible!

We went through all kinds of things and eventually they decided to admit me coz they couldn’t control the pain. They took a blood sample, and booked me in a ward, nice bed, away from the door, next to a window. I settled in to sleep (this was after being given pethedine which relieved me instantly of the pain and made me feel like I was floating on a cloud….mmmhhh, haven’t felt that good in ages!). Soon after, I hear someone “Doris wake up”. I open my eyes to find two nurses peering at me. I’m expecting them to say you have….some serious illness or the cancer has spread all over or something. They says they have to move me to a room by myself. Apparently, it turned out that my white blood cell count was 0.2 so my immunity was basically nil so they had to move me out so I don’t get any infection. From then on, anyone who came near me had to done a mask plus my visitors were restricted. PLUS I was not allowed to leave the room for ANYTHING. Mark you, it was not self contained – as in no loo and bath so everything had to be done in the room, i.e., bed pans, etc. Not good – quite embarrassing, humiliating, etc, etc, etc!

This went on for two days during which time I was being given the stomach jabs to increase my cells, and being given pain pills to remove the skeletal pain caused by the stomach jabs and other meds to keep my blood pressure steady coz it was jumping all over the place, and keep my temperature steady too coz it was also jumping all over. It was a scary time for everyone involved, including the doctors, but God heard your prayers (and I actually felt them) and I pulled through and the masks were taken off and I eventually left hospital on the 5th day.

During this time, my wound (not the armpit) had opened so I was having it dressed and cleaned every day. I still get that done every morning. Its doing well and will be closed on Tuesday. Why did it open? Chemo. That thing really did me in. The doctor said he will reduce the next one by 25% but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

Dee

Happy New Year!

Hi everyone,

Happy new year to you all! I started mine with dramatics but pray that it will all bring glory to God to make it worthwhile.

I’ve got lots to write but I thought rather than wait for the day I’ll have enough time – which is why I’ve not written for some time now – I should just go ahead and write what I can when I can and send it. So please bear with me.
Now, where do I start?? Its ages since I updated you…I think when I went for the second surgery? Well, let me start from there.

During the second surgery, a re-excision was done on my breast (I can actually say that now without blushing to high heaven!!!) since the report from the pathologist said they found tumour cells in the margins that were cut. The crazy thing is the lab didn’t use the markings placed on the specimen by the doctor so couldn’t quite say which corner had tumour. To be on the safe side, my surgeon decided to do a margin all round. Actually its turned out the pathology lab at this hospital is totally incompetent so we’ve ex’d them from our list of the good guys and won’t use them any more.

The report also said that the nodes removed all had tumour so they had to go back in and remove more. The surgeon had planned to remove like 10 more but when he went in he found them all stuck together and clinging to the main artery going down my arm. In fact I remember…ahh., now its coming back to me. I remember I was admitted at night and put in a room which I thought was really cool, but ten minutes later they came and moved me to a ward bed next to the high dependency unit which meant on occasion they’d be someone rushing in or out of the unit which lots of commotion. Then next bed to me was a patient on a respirator which was making an awful racket. I was also SOOOOOOOOOOOO nervous for some reason so after tossing and turning for ages I got up and went for a walk around the hospital. Its quite spooky, you know but I tried to turn it into a prayer walk to get my mind of the spookiness. It worked as in I calmed down but still no sleep so I came back to bed and read magazines until about 6am when I finally fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later to go to theatre.

Once we got there, we found that there’d been 3 emergency births by surgery so the theatre in the maternity ward plus 2 of the main theatres were in use so I didn’t get to go in until about 9:00am and they couldn’t take me back to the ward coz I’d already been handed over to the theatre staff so I was parked in the recovery room (I finally got to see what it looks like) and watched as people were brought in and slapped awake…ok, I kid. It didn’t quite happen that way but they did speak quite loudly to them to try wake them up after surgery.

Eventually, my turn came and I was wheeled in surrounded by all these men, like 5 of them, not sure what they were there for but they were all bantering and looking so kawa that I forgot my fear and was relaxed enough to obligingly knock off immediately the anesthesia reached my elbow!

Apparently I woke up immediately after the surgery (no slapping or yelling needed for me). The nurse even asked me if I had taken alcohol recently coz of the speed at which I woke up!!! Eh, for your info, I had not.

I didn’t get to see my doctor till the following evening when I learnt that what should have been a straightforward operation ended up taking twice the time because of the matting of the lymph nodes. They eventually got it done but he was so scared coz it looked terrible in there. The greatest news of this is that with all that mess the nodes turned out to be all NEGATIVE!!!! Tina was reminding me this morning that the time the Lord had asked me to pray for healing, it didn’t involve my armpit. He knew I didn’t need it there.

Also reminds me of how we can look at situations, or people, who seem totally hopeless but nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is too much for the Lord. In fact I’d imagine He likes working on stuff like that just to remind us of how awesome He is…and especially with people, to show us that no one is too far gone for Him to bring back to Himself, no matter how bad they seem.

The arm is doing well. The stitches are completely healed and though it was quite numb after the surgery, most of the numbness is gone and I’m able to control it now. You should have seen it the week of the surgery. It was kinda funny coz I’d be lying there willing my arm to pick up a spoon or even more from one place to another and for a long time it would just lie there looking at me then suddenly get up and plonk itself somewhere other than where I’d told it to go. In the midst of the amusement I thought how frustrating it must be for people who are paralyzed and cannot move no matter how hard they will their limbs to. Must be really, really stressful.

Okay, more later.
Dee