November 29, 2005, 5:59 am

Hi guys,

As you could tell, I wasn't too happy last time I wrote. Thank you for praying for me and for the encouragement you've sent. God is still on the throne and still wants us to continue praising Him and remembering this whole event is about Him.

Since Saturday I've been kinda worried because I noticed a funny mark near where the scar is that looks like a symptom of inflammatory breast cancer which means its a very aggressive form of cancer and recovery rates are not fantastic. I called my doc who said he had noticed it but doesn't think thats it since it was not mentioned in the pathology report he received. Plus its in just a small area so it can't be. I felt a little bit reassured but that just increased my anxiety to see the full report. I kept thinking Thursday is so, soooooooooooooooooo far away (that's the date of my next appointment - unless he hears before then in which case he will call me). Anyway, I tried calling my other doctor but couldn't get through to him. So basically I spent the entire weekend plus yesterday worrying about it, and searching through the internet on what else I can learn about it.Then

last night, Tina and I were talking about it and had decided I call my doctor and tell him though I may be worrying about nothing, I do need to see him just for reassurance. Then she said, "you should get your reassurance from God." Then she added, "Why don't you just talk to your Father about it?" Duh, why didn't I think of that!

So we agreed I would do that and see what He says before I make any decisions.So when I went to my room, I was reading my portion for the day and guess what it was? Psalm 143! I have to write it for you...in case some of you can't find your Bibles....

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in Your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief (you can imagine at this point I was thinking this was written for me). Do not bring Your servant into judgement, for no-one living is righteous before You (we are agreed on that, right? I know I'm nowhere near righteous and if it wasn't for Him, my life would be a total, hopeless mess).

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. (Yaani, its like I wrote it. All these depressing thoughts about the possibility of the cancer having spread had made me feel exactly that!)

I remember the days of long ago (my pre-cancer days....); I meditate on all Your works and consider what Your hands have done. I spread out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land (I tell you!!!!!).

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide Your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit (I was already feeling myself heading that way). Let the morning (now this is what made me REALLY sit up) bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you (my Bible is scribbled with "Yes!" and "Amen" all over!) Show me the way I should go (of course that is underlined) for to You I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies (my depressing thoughts), O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; (there is a huge "yes" next to that verse) in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies (depression, etc); destroy all my foes (cancer cells), for I am your servant. (AMEN!!!!!)

And on that note, I slept peacefully knowing that by morning, I would get an answer.

Then this morning I woke up wondering how He would answer, who He would send to tell me what, maybe the doctor would call or something.... A few minutes later, as I was talking with Him as I carried out my morning ablutions, He said, "you know I have given you immense power to carry out mighty things in My name. You could lay hands on that cancer and it goes." I was like, "eh....yeah...but I don't know if I have the right kind of faith...." But I prayed anyway and laid hands on myself. I mean, what if I call the others and it doesn't go??? (Totally reminds me of our study on Moses this weekend...(what if I tell them....and they don't believe me?) Then He said, "and so what if it is inflammatory cancer? I CAN heal that, you know" I have no idea why I never looked at it that way. I mean, so what if my whole body is ravaged by cancer. He can heal me. Totally. No sickness is beyond His power. None. It can be a little thing and never go away or a humongous thing and go completely with the first prayer. Its all up to Him and COMPLETELY in His power. Nothing is too big for Him.

That was humbling. And exhilarating!

So now all I can say is, He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge (Psalm 144:2)

I need not worry that its been 8 weeks (can you imagine!) since I had my last chemo or that it may be two more days before I hear from the doctor. Whatever stage its gone to, God is still in control. God...not me, not the doctors...God!!!!

So, "be not dismayed whate'er betide. God will take care of you." (know that song?) Just relax in Him. Only thing is you've got to be IN Him to get that protection. If you are outside of Him, you are on your own. I pray we are all where we ought to be.

Take care and thanks for caring.
Dee

P/s Just in case, let me hasten to clarify that whatever is in brackets is me, not from the Bible!

November 24, 2005, 6:41 am

Hi everyone,

I'm afraid I don't have very exciting news at the moment. My surgeon got the results back but they are confusing. He was told that the margins on the tumour are good except for one corner. But the pathologist who did the biopsy cannot pin-point which corner - he didn't see the markers put on the sample. So my doc went there yesterday to "raise hell" as he put it and showed them the huge markers he had put. Apparently they are overwhelmed with too many other cases. Anyway, he's asked them to redo the tests.

THEN it turns out the three nodes he removed are all diseased so he needs to go back and take out at least 10 to be sure he's got them all. The risk with this is the possibility of developing emphidema(sp?), i.e., swelling of the arm. He says we can begin early management and hope it doesn't happen.

I'm definitely not happy about going back to surgery. I was so looking forward to getting on with the rest of the treatment -- well not literally but its a means to an end and the sooner we proceed, the sooner it will all be over.

Also they still haven't done tests for the receptors. He is generally not happy with them and says if they don't produce satisfactory results in the next few days, he will retrieve the sample and take it to another lab.

My next appointment is Thursday next week but if he gets anything before then, he'll let me know.

Another matter we discussed is the radiotherapy equipment available in Kenya. Manu, it seems the doc you spoke to in SA was right. Its not a good idea to get it done here. Options are India and SA. Of course I prefer SA coz the Mbevi's and the Owino's are there. Let's pray about this.

My requests: Pray against incompetency on the part of the pathologists. Thank God for a good surgeon. I like his persistence in trying to get a complete and clear picture. He was also very encouraging and reminded me to look at all the many blessings I receive from the Lord on a DAILY basis as opposed to the few bad things that come my way. We tend to focus on the few bad things that happen and make a big deal of it. Life would be so different if we focus on the good and make a huge deal of it, wouldn't it.

Pray that I will get good advice and make the right decision on radiotherapy treatment (actually I feel like the decision has been made). Going out of the country of course will mean more expenses but I'm reminded that this illness was no surprise to God and He knows my financial situation and I believe has already decided how these bills will be paid.

Biggest request, that I may continue to focus on God and that the joy of the Lord will continue to be my strength. He has been so wonderful so far and I KNOW will continue to be. I have no doubt about that.

After I heard all this I just wanted to crawl onto God's lap for a big cuddle. I do know thats the safest place to be, safe even from bad news so that's where I'll be spending the rest of the evening.

Later,
Dee

November 18, 2005, 10:31 am

Hi All,

I feel like this is the third phase of my journey, the first being the chemo I've had so far, the second is the surgery and the third, the next dozes of chemo.

Thank you so, so much for your prayers and sms's and emails and visits. I'm so touched by your love and concern for me. You really cheered me up.

So. I went into hospital on tuesday 8th night. I couldn't sleep. Thinking too much. Then Wednesday morning, bright and early, my surgeon comes to inject some blue dye into the tumour. He wanted to follow the route and see exactly where in the nodes it goes...meaning thats where the cancerous cells are. I tell you people it is the MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. Horribly horrible. I didn't know whether to bite my lip or his hand or what. It hurt like crazy. He used a huge (well it looked huge to me) needle and the syringe was like litres...okay, i exagerate...but it seemed to take forever and I was in TOTAL AGONY.

Anyway, eventually he was done then he massaged it in I suppose to make sure its spread out. Just felt like he was rubbing it in and that hurt! Then about 30 minutes later they took me into the theatre. This is not my first surgery but I was terrified. I've been feeling a part of everything thats gone on thus far but at that point I knew I'd be in lala land and not able to even watch what he was doing. I prayed all the way from my ward and into the theatre. Kept thinking God has made music a big part of my life so why not make use of it so sang songs of encouragement to myself. It helped but I still had red eyes from trying not to cry too hard when they wheeled me in. A few seconds later, I was out.

Another thing that scared me was that one of the surgeries I had, I woke up and couldn't breath and the nurses were away in one corner just chatting. I don't know what made one of them turn and manage to eventually understand that I couldn't breath (of course couldn't talk or move to tell them!). I kept thinking what if that happens again. Well this time, when I woke up, a nurse was standing by my trolley and just staring at me. And again I couldn't breath but this time she was right there to try figure out what I was trying to say and gave me oxygen right away.

Oh wait, one special thing the Lord did. As soon as I arrived in the "waiting room" in the theatre, one of the nurses came over to me, took my hand in hers and told me I'll be fine, then she leaned closer and told me she loves the Lord and wants to pray with me. Wasn't that special? Well, she called two others just before I was knocked out and we prayed and every morning after that, she passed by my room before she went on duty to pray with me. That just had God's fingerprints all over it.

Okay, this is becoming one of those long epistles and Jane is waiting to drive me home (they won't let me drive!) so let me save the rest for later.

In summary, I'm not yet back at work. I return on Wednesday but you can now respond direct to me (thanks Jane for your help. You are super).

My histology report is not yet ready. I should be getting it tomorrow. My wounds are ok except the one in my armpit. There is a swelling there and it kinda throbs once in a while, sometimes quite painfully, but the doc says nothing to worry about. He is keeping his eye on it. The rest are healing very well. Actually so is this...except for the swelling.

So once he, the surgeon, is happy with the healing of all three wounds, I'll continue with chemo. Not yet sure exactly when but maybe next week.

More updates on Wednesday.

You guys are all super special and truly being used by the Lord to bless me and keep me smiling. Again sorry for putting some of you in the cc line.

Let's keep walking.
Dee

November 9, 2005, 7:00 am

Dear All,

Just letting you know that Doris was operated upon this morning. I saw her soon after she woke up so she didn't know much and unfortunately I did not get to meet her doctor.

For now, we Praise the Lord that she went through surgery successfully. Pray that there will be no complications and that she will not have to take her back. They took tissue samples to the lab which will provide additional information for her treatment and will also confirm whether they removed everything or whether they need to remove more.

More in due course. The Lord bless as you stand alongside her in prayer.

Jane

p.s. I'll be glad to print any of your messages, should you feel inclined to write.

November 8, 2005, 11:18 am

Hey everyone,

I feel so charged today but first let me tell you about my drama on Friday then I'll tell you why I feel so hyper.

So, Friday night as I go to bed, my back is absolutely killing me - sitting, standing, lying down, kneeling, nothings working. One of those days I wish I had a room-mate so could ask for a back rub!

Next option, swallow a paracetamol. So I get one - 1 cm in diameter. I know. I measured after. I swallow it with a few sips of juice. What? Its not going down! I gulp the rest of the juice down...NOTHING!!! I go to the loo and try make myself throw up. Was it cough-real-hard or open-your-mouth-wide-and-stick-your-tongue-out-as-far-as-it-will-go? I try both, Nothing. Yeah, I thought of fingers down my throat but I've got enough happening in there. Don't want to compound the problem.

Ok. Next option. Run downstairs for a glass of water. Oh, groan, forgot my back. Ok. Waddle down for a glass of water. Meanwhile, the thing is chocking me and I feel like its about to block off my air supply.

So eventually, I get downstairs. I'm thinking, what if I collapse on the floor and kina Tina can't hear me and maybe I should have come down with my cell phone. Oh forget that! I need to get water down!

I swig a couple of glasses. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! Now I'm beginning to panic, seeing myself at Nairobi Hospital with a nurse peering down my throat with pliers in her hand trying to see how to pull the thing out. I go back upstairs and start to write Tina a text message on the phone that I might need her help....to do what? Pound on my back????

Then sloooowwwlllly I feel the pressure in my throat begin to ease and the thing begins to dissolve.

I later remembered that I was told that morning that my throat has narrowed coz of corrossion caused by chemo. Oh the joys of chemotherapy! Needless to say, the pill after that was cut into quarters before I dared send it down with loads of water. I got even cleverer after that and first dissolved in water before swallowing. Tasted awful but at least nothing stuck

You won't get more updates from me for about a week or so coz the D-Day is here. I'm booked in for surgery tomorrow at 9:30am so have to check into hospital today by 5:00pm. I'll be at Nairobi Hospital but not sure yet which ward or bed.

I saw the doc yesterday coz I have some swellings on one hand. He says they may be caused by trauma coz of the chemo but nothing to worry about. Anyway, he said if my blood count today is sawa, we should go ahead with the surgery. I did the test and the WBC in particular is the highest its been since I started these treatments. Isn't God wonderful! I feel ready for it so I'm quite happy to be going in to get the thing (this time, the lump...not the pill) out.

Interesting thing...amazing thing...the doc couldn't quite feel the lymph node that was swollen in my armpit. Its seems to have disappeared!!! He said they will inject a dye and see what it sticks to (that will be the cancer cells) and remove that instead of dissecting (yes, thats the word he used) my armpit. He wants to minimize any chance of me getting....eh....I can't remember the medical term but it means swollen arm due to missing lymph nodes... or something like that.

Barring any complications, which of course we will pray against, I should be out of hospital by Saturday and the wound is expected to heal within 10 to 14 days.

I need to be okay by Wednesday next week to attend the end of year presentation at my kids school. Both of them are participating and have asked me to be there. I'd hate to disappoint them.

Please pray they get everything out tomorrow at the surgery. My surgeon is soooooo pleased with the size of the lump. He was like, "yeah, this is more like it!" He's not even calling it major surgery any more. Isn't that great.

I'm completely optimistic about the outcome and about God continuing with me on this journey. I KNOW He will be with me in hospital tonight and at the theatre tomorrow and as I wake up and begin the healing process. Yes, Mark, I do feel the prayers of all of you who are praying for me and I give thanks for all of you, for your faith in our God, and for your persistence in bringing me to Him in prayer. Thank you so very much.

So, please continue to write but send your messages with a copy to my sister, Jane, at jane.muema@aercafrica.org. She will print them out and bring them to me.

Forgive me for putting some of you on the cc line. My list has really grown!

I've got tons to do before I leave today so let me get to it.

God bless you all.

The journey continues.....

Dee

November 2, 2005, 3:32 am

Hi everyone,

I went this morning for my second stomach jab and will be getting another tomorrow. When I saw him yesterday, my doc was not too happy with my white cell count, hence the jabs. He said we will wait to set the surgery date after the next blood count, which will be next Tuesday.

Sue, you were asking what my kids said after they saw me with no hair. Well Noshi (for those who don't know them, he's 3 yrs) kinda went really quiet and for a while kept his distance and just watched. After a while, he asked me in a very concerned voice who had cut my hair. I told him Mutua (my brother in law). He asked, why. I told him I wanted to look nice like him. After that there was another loooong silence but eventually he came and touched my head and since then has been ok. Derek (5 yrs), when he first saw me yelled, Mummy you've become a boy! I said no. He said, but you have a haircut. I said even girls can have haircuts. He asked, so you are still a girl. I said yes. Since then, both of them have told me enough times how they like my "haircut". They actually prefer me without the wig!

Later,
Dee

November 1, 2005, 2:39 am

Oh my, imagine Keith Green is at Jesus feet just singing to Him. It never occured to me that we will continue using our gifts and telents to worship the Lord in heaven. Imagine!!!!! More reason to horn them while on earth. What a beautiful experience. How blessed you are for the Lord to allow you to see that.

Oh, Sue, what can I say. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo touched by yours and Ryan's expression of love and support for me. How can I keep wearing a wig when you guys are sporting bald heads for me? I love you so much, my dear. PLEASE send me pictures of both of you and give Ryan a big, tight hug on my behalf. Tell him the fact that he doesn't know me from eve, wasn't even sure he would look good, but still went ahead and shaved says so much about how caring he is. I really REALLY appreciate the support.

As for the mission thing, I just laughed as I read how God keeps adding to it. It must surely be of Him. Allow Him to work through you all and be glorified. I look forward to more details.

You have been blessed with super friends, Sue. Know that. Their concern for your sister says a lot about how much they care for you.

I'll be seeing the doc today and will let you know what he says.

Love you so much,
Dee